我说不出话来。我不知道是哭还是应该自嘲地苦笑。窗外雨正浓，好想把胸膛剖开，摊在雨中，彻底地冲洗一下。

故事比电影精彩的地方就在于此，它能把你的心完全掏空，给你一个无论如何想不到也接受不了的结局，把一切都带走，什么都不剩下。然后你发现你连这个空空的自己都守不住。大概这便是生命不能承受之轻吧。

还记得电话里他沉默之后的第一个词，“Come”，还记得那让我的心是怎样地颤抖，还记得说出那句“I need time”有多难。

一个人吃巧克力，味道说不出的浓。最纯的可可，含在嘴里等着他融化，感受他从喉咙流进心里的感觉，好想整个人都随他去。能怎样呢。

雨累了，却还不肯住下。我舒展眉心，让胸口郁结的愁云散去，我累了。我谁都不想见，我不想和任何人说话，我要躲开人群，一个人待一阵子，有太多的事情需要想清楚。一个人好好安静一阵子吧。

不管什么，当你习惯了，就真的很难戒掉。

Talked to him this afternoon (it's funny cuz' the first chat which made me fall for him was also in a afternoon), and told him everything. I knew I can never say no to him. Whatever he asks for, I just can't say no to. So I told him. He said I was crazy, and nothing more. He said he wouldn't cut me out of his life, but even me myself wouldn't want to talk to this crazy ridiculous stupid girl anymore if I were him. I guess I lost him anyway...

Now you are glad that you finally take him aways from me. Are you done now?

I don't know what I want now. I'm out of strength and will to recover. I guess this is it. It's over. I never thought it could be ended this way. Well it ended anyway. I think I'm gonna have to start the process of getting over him and this whole thing, never letting it hang over my head like this. It'll kill me.

I feel like going crazy, but I just don't have the energy and creativity to carry it out. I feel like shopping, but abusing parents' money that way will kill me too. I feel like screaming songs, but all the KTVs are shut down. I feel like seeing him, staying in his arms the whole night, and kissing him as much as I want, but that's God forbidden...

Maybe I should really stop dreaming about anything. As the old saying goes, you are unbreakable when you desire nothing. That is damn true I have to say. Perhaps I should just slice the piece of my heart where desires come from and kiss it goodbye, hoping that I'll be much better that way. Will I?

Please tell me that I'm gonna be fine, and so is everything... Please...

God, are you there? Can you hear me? Did you see that? I did what I was told. Am I behaving good enough so that you could just let go of me?

I don't know what I'm doing, and I have no idea what's coming next. I don't know why everything has to be this way, and I'm not sure what I'm gonna lose. My consciousness has come to the point where I could only realise that I'm awake. I don't care what's gonna happen or what I'm gonna lose anymore, because it seems like God has got everything well planned, which there is very little I can do about. No matter what I do, He will just carry out his plan anyway without giving a fucking shit about what I think or how I feel, so why bother to worry about something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Whatever!

All I can do is to accept, to take, to absorb, and to let go. Is it?

I'm not religious, and I don't take god seriously enough to make Him my faith for life either. But at least I respected Him. I treated Him with revere and full respect. Don't I deserve some respect in return? Is He the Lord of the universe whom we can just obey and follow without any question? Doesn't he love all people in the world? What the hell is he claiming all the time? Is He the only one who gets to say what's right and what's wrong, what's noble and what's evil? Is meeting someone I like so evil that he would punish me for doing that? Seriously! If Yoan is indeed someone that I shouldn't have any connection with and whom I should just keep away from as far as I possibly can, then why did He send him here to let me meet him and fall for him in the first place?! If everything has been plotted when I was born, what's the point in taking all these trouble to venture in this damn life being as scared as I am that I might anger Him?!

I don't get it, I really don't! Who is the devil? Yoan? If Satan is lurking in him, making him a temptation for me to fall, why wouldn't God save him before he was taken by Satan to get me? God~ I don't get you! I really don't! If whatever is evil deserves punishment, then what are you doing with the bitch who's torturing my parents and who makes my parents live in misery and health crisis? Me meeting Yoan is more evil than that? What do you plan to do with her? Nothing? Cause that seems like what you are doing at the present! How come!

Ok, you are the boss anyway, I'm just a little girl who can do very little about this. I know I might have angered you with these words. I'm sorry, I have a brain and a heart of my own which I though you gave me to let me think and feel, and I'm trying to make full use out of them. Do you understand the essense of "All men and women were created equal"? If you did creat us all, why can't you just let us mind our own business? Your work here is done! Is it really fun just messing around with me? I just have this one life to live, you are sure you want me to spend it on wondering what the hell do you want from me? I used to trust you so much that even if I'm not a christian I would tell you everything about my life and my heart, but you blew it! If you are not gonna help me, just leave me alone! Please! Could you please just LEAVE ME ALONE! Am I just someone you put in this world to have fun when you are bored? You claim to encourage everyone to try, try something new, to be brave and see what happens, but what you are doing is just to let me know that you can't be questioned and I'd better behave the way you "reveal" me to, otherwise, I'll get some "serious punishment". Is this what you are trying to make the best out of me for my own good, or is this the way you just love to manipulate people's lives? What are you doing?! I think I need an explanation for what you did! I need a reason.

Yoan, I'm sorry. I guess you must be pissed if I tell you this. I'm planning to tell you the truth, but I'm not sure if I could do that. It's too hard for me to tell you this ridiculous reason and tell you to cancel the trip. You don't know how much I wanna see you and let everything we said come true. I wanna sleep in your arms knowing that you are here with me the whole night as much as you can imagine. But I can't. I know you can't take this as an excuse, I know you probably will get mad at me so much that you wouldn't even talk to me anymore. I'm prepared of the worst to come. If I'm gonna lose you for this, I'll just have to take it. Pathetic huh? True. I was meant to be this pathetic girl ever since the day I fell for you. I'm not brave enough to take the risk of the serious punishment to happen. Sorry~ I'm so sorry... Please try to understand...

Sometimes girls don't have a brain when she's falling for someone. Now I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't have a clue of what's acturally going to happen to me. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm out of tears. And I'm out of words.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel now. God, tell me how should I feel now, will you?

其实他真的不完全是个playboy。虽然他会在酒吧里醉的一塌糊涂，虽然他会吸烟，虽然他会和很多女孩子fool around，他甚至会get high with weeds，但他真的不完全是个没救的playboy。在我想不通的时候，他会很认真的讲道理给我听；我难过了的时候，他会以法国人血液里的浪漫哄我smile；看到我说喜欢他、想要他的时候，他得意地说"I've already got my score!"

昨晚他说他感觉我好像不大愿意跟他说话，我问他怎么会有这种感觉，他没有回答，这个问题就不了了之了。他这样的人不大会动感情，而敏感的我恰恰能感受到他这一瞬间一点点的波动（但愿我不是在自作多情）。其实我知道。每天晚上一有时间我就做到电脑跟前，保持在线状态，随时关注他的状态，等着他say Hi~。而每次总要等上好一阵子才能听到期待已久的一声。现在我知道了，他大概也在做同样的事情吧，而我却几乎从没说出过那句“Hi~”。我在线那么久，却不跟他打招呼，所以他有那么一点点失落，以为我不想跟他说话。也许只是那么一瞬间，也许只是隐隐的那么一点点，也许他自己马上就否认了那种感觉。他也只是个孩子而已，我和他交往过的女孩子都不一样，一个被传统观念笼罩着的永远让自己保持被动的女孩……

那种发疯的想要他的冲动已经不见了，我终于安静了。昨晚看着他，就像一个疯狂玩儿了一整天疲惫不堪的孩子，我好想把他的头抱在胸口，让他靠着我好好睡一觉……所以他后来说“I really wanna be with you now~”我的心真的就那么怦然动了一下……

有时候会觉得一切真的好不真实，好像这个世界上就没有这么一个Yoan，我仿佛活在一个故事里，一个我和他的故事。我时常会去想这个故事接下来会怎样，去想他站到我面前，甚至是他离开之后的情节。有电影式的过程，也有不那么委婉的场面，然而这个故事究竟将如何收场，或者还是一直就这么写下去，我只能拿出我的心，wait & see...

To be continued...

怎么说呢，真的有点不好意思，第一次被一个男人看到了我对他那么露骨的话，但其实心里还是偷偷甜蜜的，我那篇日志的最后说想把这些都告诉他，这应该是上帝在帮我告诉给他吧。不管怎样，总是被他知道了，总得来说感觉还不错的。

晚上匆匆下线了，他打电话来，就为说一句“Good night”。呵呵，thanks honey~

自己偷着乐吧，就不多写了。

这一篇还是用中文写吧，嘻嘻，就不让他看了~ Sorry honey~

我不知道我是不是做了一件蠢事，我不知道我是不是不应该那样，一切我不在我的意料之中，太多的意外，我又能怎样？

隔了这许久之后，我又约了楠一起出去。他真的有点邪门，每次都是在我实在没有人可抓的时候他一定会在近期出现，让我就想发短信给他。一如从前，我还是需要一闭眼按下发送键就没有退路的情况下才能把短信发出去。波折了两下之后，终于还是见了面。

然而真的一切都不在意料之中，当我吓得浑身止不住地发抖的时候，当他一把抱住我的时候，我的脑袋里居然出现了爸爸的脸，就像爸爸抱着我一样，我能想象几个月大时的我受到同样的惊吓的时候爸爸是怎样抱着我跑去医院，当时只有一个想法：有人撑着我，我不会散架……

然后一切就更加离谱。

惊吓之后，大概是惊吓中利尿激素的作用吧，我跑去附近的宾馆偷用人家的洗手间。结果出门被台阶暗算，扭了脚一屁股做到地上。他把我拉起来，我说不上来的沮丧，不知道为什么，就是心里不能平复的哽咽，好像一切都在跟我作对，难道我找个人安慰一下都不行，都要付出代价吗？难道我就只能一个人扛，我都不配找个人陪？于是感情一下子涌到眼睛里，所有的孤独、委屈、压力、难题都一并跟了出来，一时间，眼泪已经抑制不住地在眼睛里打转了。我转过头去，当时真的不知道该怎么办了，谁知道他一把把我揽到怀里，我于是就彻底崩溃了，不顾一切地放声大哭。

这还是这辈子第一次我哭的时候有人抱着我。一直以来都渴望的感觉没想到居然这样体验了一次。无数次想象有人的双臂圈着我，甚至能够清楚地感觉到那双有力的手抚着我的背，却远没有那一刻那样真切。我才意识到一个人哭原来真的很凄凉，但是有个肩膀、有双手臂就真的不一样。一个人哭会越哭越绝望，有个人在你就可以尽管把这个脆弱伤心破碎的自己交给他承担，好像一切都有他为你扛，哪怕只有那么一小会儿，你只剩下委屈和孩子般的需要保护，把它们哭到他肩膀上，你会觉得他是那么心疼，哪怕只是那么一小会儿。所以我用力地哭。我必须把自己消耗得只剩下一个空空的躯壳，才能把所有的污淖一并带出我的身体。我身边有一个人在，所以我什么都不担心，只管放任自己。

很久没有投入的哭过了。

真的很久没有投入地哭过了。一个人蒙在被子里哭，总是会隐隐地担心自己会突然死去；一个人在寝室哭，总是会从委屈哭到恐惧，最后惶惶地打电话给朋友，吓得它们以为我出了什么事；走出寝室，就找不到可以流眼泪的地方了。中国人真的太多，你根本找不到一个能躲开他们的地方，而中国人又骨子里都有个毛病：围观。指指点点是最起码的，做些无聊的猜测，比如最典型的你被男朋友甩了，或者更前卫一点的会说你怀孕了。所以这个地方真的很变态。所以我真的很想回家，想爸爸妈妈和弟弟。所以我伏在他肩头一直哭到自己能顺畅呼吸，一直哭到自己一点力气也没有了，我才终于告别了沉重了许久的一颗心。

我不知道自己是不是做了一件蠢事。尽管我和他都没有说破什么，尽管我甚至不知道他是怎么想的，尽管我想相信这样的友谊，我依然不知道我是不是可以就这样靠在他怀里。我知道这很自私，但是那种感觉真的太好，我没办法让自己理智，我只想那么靠着他，让他安慰我。我知道随便一个人都会说我这么做有一千个一万个不对，但是我就是需要一个人平复我，需要一个人抱我，我能怎样呢？自私就自私吧，就这一次还不行嘛~

感激上苍让我当初认识了他。也许真的从一开始他的出现就是上帝为了一个不一样的目的。总之感激上苍。

乱七八糟地过了很久了，发现了很多东西，意识到很多问题，感受到了很多心酸和感动，体会到了很多想都没想到的情感。很多事情都让我很意外，从没想到过原来是这样的。有些是很开心的，有些是很矛盾的，有些是让人不安的。

有时候生活就是这么不讲道理，她总是有权力随她高兴地给我一些日子，然后看着我手忙脚乱地应付不来。我很开心我有可忙碌、可疲惫、可烦恼的事情去应付。每次给爸爸妈妈打电话总是幸福得一塌糊涂，好像我宁愿就这样和爸妈撒娇到世界末日。

然后就地震了。真的是在国难面前，大家才像个中国人的样子。默哀的那天，我站在那里，受潜意识支配的大脑除了空白就没有什么了。当防空警报骤然鸣起，当几乎全世界的汽车在同一时刻响起笛声，我好像一个不懂事的孩子疯狂了很久之后被人抽了一个耳光，突然冷静下来。恍然间，我发现原来我如此热爱自己的祖国，原来我如此一脸这片养育了我的土地。我哪里也不想去，我什么都不想要，我只想用我的一生默默地注视着她，愿她平安。

没有纽约的繁华，没有巴黎的时尚，没有东京的理性，没有伦敦的温文尔雅，我曾经以为自己受够了这里；我曾经以为我们五千年的悠远文化远比不上资本主义的发展史来得痛快，来得有效率；曾经以为美国的自由，法国的浪漫，西班牙的狂野，意大利的情调才是我心心念念的；曾经以为英国人的高贵，荷兰人的文明，希腊人的悠闲，甚至日本人的永不言弃才是我倾心向往的；曾经以为摩根斯坦利的金领生活，大溪地的精品享受，路易威登的高级订制，Fortune的Top 10、Vogue的评论专栏才是值得我坚守的梦想。谁知道，短短几分钟，这场地震几乎倾颓了我二十年来的信仰。

发现了一个很棒的地方，幸福咖啡馆，很幸福的一个地方。就是太贵了，花爸爸的钱，总会不太理直气壮。

朋友们总是能明白我想说什么，尽管我总是胡言乱语。感激上苍，为我生命里的所有事和每一个人，感激上苍。

这人要是倒霉了还真是喝口水都塞牙。跑到自习室写个日记吧，他妈的mp3突然就莫名其妙地死了。人生啊~ 我还他妈的说啥呀！

有些人为什么就不懂什么叫“人是不同的”呢？！她跟你不是一锅里的馒头吧，各自在各自锅里呆着不是挺好嘛，她非得伸出一直爪子来跟你搅和搅和弄得你心里堵得慌，她非得跟你掰斥掰斥你为什么塞不进她那一锅里去。这他妈叫什么玩意儿啊！这不叫没事找抽还有什么叫啊？！我还没见过有人这么呢厚颜无耻当面要求别人以她舒不舒服为标准做事，我发现这个世界上就没有一个能让她看得下去的人，几乎都让她“性子直”了个遍了。人不懂得自律、自控、自省，还老指望着能把别人震撼一下，让别人听了她的“警世良言”能彻悟一回，她以为她是圣母玛利亚啊？！圣母玛利亚可没有这么三八。我大一的时候傻乎乎地一心想对她们好的时候一个都不知道珍惜，现在我没那么白痴了倒一个个都摆出架势教育我这样做那样做。我爹娘跟我说话都没这么无所顾忌，她还真把自己当号人物了。真他妈不是个东西。

行了，这封邮件是一切都game over了，我也不必还顾及什么“起码”、在意什么“底线”了，自己怎么高兴怎么折腾吧。我倒落得个轻松。

越是不值钱的东西越是狠命地往自己身上贴标签，好几位的呢。其实你压根不用费劲讲价，她们自己就掉下来了。所以，打这种货色旁边过的时候，你干脆别打眼看它。不然当你越来越瞧不起她的时候，你恐怕都有点瞧不起自己了。

三天一门三天一门地应付着考试，风风火火地跑了趟省会参加了一个英语竞赛，回来之后经历了一场下生以来最他妈的考试。一如往常郁闷地睡了个午觉之后洗了衣服，坐在床上，靠着麦迪，听着hanson，吃着樱桃，写日记。生活真他妈惬意，哪像个要跨专业考研的啊。

四川地震了，不少地方都跟着晃了。联系不上他，不知道他有没有事。我甚至不知道我担心不担心。谢龙摔了一跤，什么都不记得了，幸好他还认识我。

爷爷奶奶还在折磨着爸爸妈妈，我还是他妈的一点办法都没有。

我发现现在越来越少的东西能引起我的兴趣了，或者说能让我有感觉的东西越来越少了。我看能让我心里扑腾扑腾的除了性好像就不剩什么了。有时候真想找个男人上床算了。也怪这里的男生命不好，不够品，就我现在这状态，只要出现一个让我荷尔蒙紊乱的男人，哪怕就乱那么一瞬间，他晚上就不用一个人回寝室了。可偏偏就没有一个能让我冲昏头脑的人！

我老是困，老是不知道干什么，老是没时间唱歌。What the FUCK!

最近嘴里的脏话特别多。这人潜意识里的压力大了必须发泄一下。原谅自己。

不知道自己这次行不行，不知道这次会不会又像高考那次一样，明知道要死就那么等着它发生。都是屁话！最好别睁着眼当混蛋，不然就是我自杀老天都看不下去了，非劈死我不可。